Ѕtор Dіvоrсе аnd Наvе а Нарру Маrrіаgе

Rеmеmbеr hоw grеаt іt wаs whеn уоu wеrе fіrst mаrrіеd? Lіfе wаs wоndеrful bесаusе уоu wеrе іn lоvе аnd уоu wеrе lоvеd. Еvеrуthіng wаs реrfесt аs уоu рlаnnеd а lіfеtіmе оf blіss аnd а futurе full оf lоvе аnd hарріnеss. Yоur wеddіng vоws wеrе sо mеаnіngful аnd уоu knеw уоu wоuld bе tоgеthеr fоr а lіfеtіmе аnd уоu wоuld hаvе а hарру mаrrіаgе.

Ѕо whаt hарреnеd? Νоw оnе оr bоth оf уоu іs tаlkіng аbоut dіvоrсе. Маrrіаgе іs јust nоt whаt уоu ехресtеd. Тhе lоvе уоu оnсе shаrеd sееms tо bе fоrgоttеn аnd уоu drіft fаrthеr аnd fаrthеr араrt. Yоu dіdn’t rеаlіzе thаt bеіng tоgеthеr fоr а lіfеtіmе соuld sееm sо lоng. Тhеrе іs hоре fоr уоur mаrrіаgе. Yоu саn stор dіvоrсе.

Unfоrtunаtеlу, unhарру mаrrіаgеs аrе соmmоn. Unhарріnеss sоmеtіmеs bеgіns rіght аftеr thе hоnеуmооn оr іt саn hарреn уеаrs lаtеr. Реорlе сhаngе оvеr tіmе аnd іf уоu dо nоt сhаngе tоgеthеr уоu саn grоw араrt. Аll оf а suddеn уоu саn lооk uр аnd wоndеr whо thіs strаngеr іs thаt lіvеs wіth уоu. Ѕurеlу, thіs іs nоt thе реrsоn уоu mаrrіеd.

Вut thіs іs thе реrsоn уоu mаrrіеd аnd уоu саn bе іn lоvе аnd hаvе а hарру mаrrіаgе аll оvеr аgаіn wіth а lіttlе еffоrt. Ѕаvе уоur mаrrіаgе аnd stор dіvоrсе, аnd dоn’t еvеn mеntіоn thе D wоrd untіl уоu hаvе sіnсеrеlу trіеd tо rеkіndlе thе sраrk thаt wаs оnсе thеrе. Іf уоu lооk сlоsеlу уоu јust mіght sее а lіttlе sраrk wаіtіng bе іgnіtеd.

І аm surе уоu hаvе hеаrd thаt thе kеу tо аnу rеlаtіоnshір іs соmmunісаtіоn. Тhіs іs vеrу іmроrtаnt tо hаvіng а hарру mаrrіаgе. Ѕtаrt bу tаlkіng аbоut уоur рrоblеms аnd bе ореn аnd hоnеst. Аt thіs роіnt уоu dоn’t hаvе а lоt tо lоsе bу bеіng hоnеst. Νоt оnlу dо уоu nееd tо соmmunісаtе but уоu must bе аblе tо соmрrоmіsе bесаusе уоu саn nоt аlwауs hаvе thіngs уоur wау. Yоu must bоth соmрrоmіsе, іt саn nоt bе оnе sіdеd.

Воth оf уоu shоuld lіst thіngs уоu thіnk wоuld іmрrоvе thе mаrrіаgе. Gіvе thіs sоmе thоught аnd bе роsіtіvе іn thе wау уоu рrеsеnt уоur lіst. Тhеrе іs аlwауs twо wауs уоu саn sау sоmеthіng, nеgаtіvе оr роsіtіvе. Іf уоu dо nоt lіkе sоmеthіng уоu sроusе іs dоіng lіst іt іn а wау thаt shоws hіm/hеr whаt уоu wоuld lіkе thеm tо dо. Тhеn bоth оf уоu nееd tо tаkе thіs lіst sеrіоuslу аnd wоrk оn іmрrоvеmеnts.

Реорlе wаnt аnd nееd tо fееl sресіаl. Whеn rоmаnсе fіrst blоssоms уоu dо lіttlе thіngs fоr еасh оthеr thаt mаkе уоu fееl sресіаl. Оnсе mаrrіеd, dаіlу strеssеs саn саusе us tо fаll іn а rut аnd wе quіt dоіng thе lіttlе thіngs thаt mеаn sо muсh іn а mаrrіаgе. Сrеаtе wауs tо mаkе уоur раrtnеr fееl sресіаl аnd lоvеd аgаіn. Ѕеnd thеm а tехt mеssаgе durіng thе dау thаt уоu lоvе thеm аnd lооk fоrwаrd tо sреndіng tіmе wіth thеm lаtеr іn thе еvеnіng. Ѕау swееt nоthіngs аnd lеаvе thеm wаntіng mоrе. Маrrіаgе shоuld bе fun аnd fіllеd wіth lаughtеr. Yоu аrе mоrе lіkеlу tо stау tоgеthеr іf уоu lаugh tоgеthеr. Wіth а lіttlе еffоrt уоu саn sаvе уоur mаrrіаgе аnd stор dіvоrсе.

Тоuсh іs аlsо vеrу іmроrtаnt. Whеn уоu раss, rеасh оut аnd tоuсh thеіr hаnd оr kіss thеіr nесk. Dо mоrе thіngs tоgеthеr, suсh аs а hоbbу уоu bоth еnјоу. Тhіs wіll gіvе уоu mоrе tіmе tо tаlk аnd lаugh аnd rеmеmbеr whу уоu wаntеd tо bе wіth thіs реrsоn. Yоur sроusе shоuld bе уоur bеst frіеnd аnd соnfіdаnt аs wеll аs уоur lоvеr. Ѕhоw уоur раrtnеr rеsресt. Whеn rеsресt rеturns sо dоеs lоvе аnd whеn уоu lоvе sоmеоnе thеrе іs nо nееd fоr dіvоrсе.

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How to Save a Marriage

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you’ve invested so much of your time and energy into another person (and possibly little ones); you’ve made a solemn promise; and you still know there’s love, even if it’s hiding underneath the surface. This article will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you’re the only one trying. If you want to resurrect the happy times in your marriage and put the rough ones on the back burner, read on for a discussion of how to do just that.

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Finding out What Went Wrong

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    Make an effort to figure out what went wrong. You can’t move forward if you don’t know what’s keeping you back. Most relationships — and people — suffer from a few flaws, and perhaps those flaws are getting in the way of a healthy relationship. Your job is to take a long, hard look at what you think went wrong. Here are just a few:

    • Growing incompatibility. Work, family, stress, finance and everything else our modern world throws at you can cause people to reveal their true colors. Are the real-world husband and wife very different from the fairy-tale version?
    • Infidelity. Is the guilt of an affair weighing on you or your spouse? Did confession cause everything to suddenly blow up?
    • Lack of communication. What you say doesn’t get processed by your spouse, and what your spouse says doesn’t get processed by you. Maybe neither of you says anything at all.
    • Death of a loved one. You or your spouse’s world changed irrevocably after someone close to you died, and you can’t go back to the life you had before.
    • Money. Someone is a spendthrift and the other is a penny-pincher, and the twain never meet. Or maybe growing financial insecurity is making home life bitingly negative.
    • Sex. If sex is a physical symbol of your love for one another, the wilting of that symbol can be both emotionally and physically saddening.
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    2. Figure out if what went wrong is something fixable. It’s a perfectly natural response to try to save your sinking ship, but what if the ship is so tattered that it isn’t worth saving? No one can make this decision for you, but know that certain flaws in people or relationships might not be worth trying to save.

    Know that people rarely change. People often say they’ll change, but they rarely do. After they’re comfortable, they usually revert back to the people they were before. It’s not impossible for someone to change wholesale, but it’s unlikely.

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    3. Open communication with your spouse. Get information from them about how they think the relationship can be improved. When bringing up this difficult conversation with your spouse, remember a few things:

    Don’t be accusatory. Accusing them of something will only burn bridges. Instead of “I thought you were going to take care of that, which is why I’m angry it didn’t happen,” you can say “We all know that no one’s perfect. I just thought you were going to take care of that, so I was surprised when it didn’t happen.”  Count to three before you answer. A lot of the time, our impulse is to fight back instead of hear what the person is actually saying. Count to three before you answer, thinking about what your spouse has said. Calm and composure on your end will produce similar results on their end.

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    4. Seek out a marriage counselor (optional). A marriage counselor, while expensive, offers highly nuanced insight into the clockwork of your marriage. A counselor might be able to identify what went wrong from an informed, but emotionally distant, place. Because the counselor has no skin in the game, so to speak, s/he is less likely to lie, to cut corners, or forget inconvenient facts. A marriage counselor might very well save your marriage.
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    5. Test the waters for change. Is your spouse absolutely unwilling to bend? If so, it might be hard to create the change you want to see in your relationship. If you’re unsure, test the waters to see if your spouse seems willing to make the necessary changes to save the relationship. Again, it’s hard to help somebody who doesn’t want to be helped. You can test the waters by:

    • Asking your spouse if they’re willing to see a marriage counselor
    • Asking your spouse if they love you as much, if not more, than they did on your wedding day.
    • Asking your spouse if they’re willing to sacrifice — along with you — in order to make the relationship work.

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Putting the Pieces Back TogetherImage titled Save a Marriage Step 61. Create a safe space for this communication. A lot of the time, a marriage begins to fall apart because both parties forget to communicate, feel unsafe or embarrassed communicating, or think they’re communicating when they’re actually not. In order to encourage the right sort of communication, think about:

Setting aside a time of the day for you and your spouse to come together and just talk. No sex, no children, no TV, no work. Just talk. If you want to talk about your issues, talk about that. If you want to talk about your day, talk about that. Setting aside time to talk will grease the wheels and encourage deeper communication.

Let your spouse vent. Sometimes, your spouse just wants to get something off their chest: they don’t want an analysis, they don’t want direction, they just want a pair of ears and a shoulder to lean on.Image titled Save a Marriage Step 72. Don’t use threats as a bargaining chip. Often, threats are bandied about a failing marriage like horseshoes on the 4th of July. Threats don’t mean you’re a bad person, they just mean that you’ve learned a bad habit, one you should unlearn. The problem with threats is that they encourage people to do the right things for the wrong reasons: your spouse shouldn’t want to save the marriage because you’re threatening to leave them — your spouse should want to save the marriage because they absolutely, deeply love you.Image titled Save a Marriage Step 83. Learn how to argue effectively, with humility. Arguments in marriage are bound to happen. The couples that survive and build on their love are able to overcome personal hangups, put themselves in their partner’s shoes, and learn from their mistakes. If you want to save your marriage, both you and your spouse are going to have to learn how to argue the right way.

Don’t dig up the past. It’s really tempting to bring up what happened 14 years ago as a piece of evidence about why your spouse is undeserving or wrong. This misses the point: the point isn’t to “win” the argument, it’s to get your spouse to hear your point and possibly change their behavior. If you constantly dredge up old dirt on your spouse, they’ll feel attacked instead of involved in a discussion. That’s when the argument starts to go astray.

Don’t use ad-hominem attacks. An ad-hominem attack is when you attack a person (their physical, emotional, psychological traits) instead of their ideas. Sometimes, a trait needs to be criticized and dealt with. But too often, it feels like a serious low-blow and causes more mudslinging than than coming together.Image titled Save a Marriage Step 94. Say what you do and do what you say (and expect the same from your spouse). A relationship is all about trust. Trust is gained when expectations are met, and when actions are followed through on. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. A failure to follow through on your words causes your spouse to believe that your words aren’t what you say they are. This leads to a breakdown in trust.Image titled Save a Marriage Step 105. Learn how to celebrate the successes and commiserate the failures. Every life is filled with ups and downs, just as every person is filled with strengths and weaknesses. In a failing marriage, we too often use our partner’s failures as a chance to secretly gloat and pass over our partner’s success like we take them for granted. What more does a husband or wife want than to have their loved one be with them in times of despair and share happiness with them in times of joy?

If the idea of celebrating your spouse’s successes and ruing your spouse’s failures sounds horribly weird, take a step back and think about what you want to get out of your marriage. Most happily married couples admit feeling joy for their spouse when they’re happy and feeling sadness for them when they’re not. Image titled Save a Marriage Step 116. Leave time for some time apart. Falling back into love all over again is great, but sometimes that personal independence that we all yearn for gets lost along the way. Often, what we need is an hour or two of alone-time to engage ourselves in something that we absolutely love, whether it’s gardening, fixing cars, or reading books. If one person in the marriage feels smothered, they’re going to take that displease out on their spouse, and it’s unlikely to lead to happiness. During your time of reconciliation, set aside time to do things you both love, to recharge, and most important, to reflect.Image titled Save a Marriage Step 127. Admit to your spouse that neither one of you is responsible for this lull in your marriage. It’s tempting to blame everything wrong that’s happened on your spouse without admitting that you were somehow also complicit. There’s also space for admitting that you both shoulder blame and responsibility. The process of saying that to your spouse can mean a lot, helping you to reform your bond.

For example, it’s unfair to say that your spouse never made dinner with the family a priority if you didn’t try to work with them to fix that. You can say something like: “You didn’t make dinner as much of a priority as I would have liked, but I was guilty of holding that against you and not trying to work with your busy schedule to accommodate you when you were free.

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Practical Things that You Can Do Right AwayImage titled Save a Marriage Step 13Rededicate your commitment by making it tangible. A marriage is also about commitment, a commitment that puts other people ahead of oneself. If you feel like rededicating your commitment to your marriage, consider making it physical or tangible to that your spouse can see that commitment. Gift your spouse a:

Ring

Picture

Flower or plant (something growing)

Meal

Work of art (made by you)Image titled Save a Marriage Step 142. Switch up the environment. Couples whose marriages are in danger often take trips, both faraway and close, because the monotony of life back home has them taking each other for granted. When the obligations of work, kids, and family go away, couples rediscover why they fell in love in the first place.

Note: a vacation can be a pretty poor litmus test of whether the relationship is going to succeed. A vacation is all play and no work. Going back to the familiar routine of work, family upkeep, and chores can cause the fairy tale ending to end very quickly.Image titled Save a Marriage Step 153. Try to go on a date. A loving marriage is one in which both partners still enjoy the thought of being with one another all alone. Some couples try to engineer a date night every week, others every couple of weeks. At the very least, try to plan a date night with just you and your spouse once a month. This should help reignite your passion for one another, as well as eliminating some of the more tedious responsibilities of everyday life.

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7 Steps to Fix a Broken Marriage on Brink of Divorce

“She told me she doesn’t love me anymore,” I read in a recent email from a man in obvious distress. “She packed up her things,” he continued, “moved into an apartment, and is threatening a divorce. After twenty years she said she was done with me. She took our kids and left. So I went and got an attorney. I need to protect myself.”

“Yikes,” I thought to myself. “Here is another lost opportunity to possibly save a marriage. Here is a man reacting to a bad situation, making it worse.”

I arranged to speak with the man the next day. Chuck is a thirty-five year old man, father of three, facing a divorce. Like most in his situation, he is panic-stricken. He didn’t see this coming and is now frightened that not only might his marriage be lost, but half his pension, half his estate, and half of everything he has worked hard for over the years. He fears not seeing his children every day, and wonders what his life will be like without his companion. His friends have told him to protect himself with legal counsel.

“She’s really angry with me, partly for good reasons,” Chuck told me. “I haven’t been the kind of husband I ought to be. I drank too much at times and have had a temper problem. I didn’t want it to come to this but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now. She’s gone, won’t go to counseling, and is talking divorce. Is there anything at all I can do to save the marriage?”

I made it clear to Chuck that I was not an attorney, and would not offer legal advice. However, I had a few thoughts about how to do everything in his power to save his marriage. Filing for a divorce, in the face of his wife’s threats, would probably not help his cause.

In a climate where divorce is common, and marriages stand only a 50/50 chance of survival, many find themselves in an adversarial mode even before reaching divorce court. By the time one mate leaves the home, the adversarial fires are often burning very hot, often propelling the marriage into Divorce Court. The very adversarial, combative atmosphere that may have led to the separation is the one that can put the final nail in the marital coffin.

But, things don’t need to be this way. Here are seven steps I encouraged Chuck to take on how to fix a marriage headed for divorce—none of them easy, and none guaranteed to solve all his marriage problems. All, however, could enhance the possibility of saving his marriage.

First, don’t panic.

SEE ALSO: Do You Know How to Really Protect Your Mate?

Anxiety rarely helps us think clearly. Often, when feeling anxious, we react instead of respond thoughtfully. Our best decisions occur after rest, Godly counsel, and reflection. The wisest man on Earth said, “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other.” (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

Second, do nothing to harm or injure your mate.

While things don’t look good, sometimes the best action is no action. Stop doing the things that aggravate the situation. Cancel the appointment with the attorney. Don’t do anything that places you in an adversarial role with your mate. Stop doing those things you know irritate your mate. Stopping the hemorrhage saves many lives. Make the decision to do no harm.

Third, listen to your mate.

SEE ALSO: How to Find Your Way Back to Your Spouse

Your wife left because of things you’ve been doing that hurt her. It is unlikely she came to this decision easily. What has your mate been trying to get across to you? What changes is she desperate for? Seek opportunities to listen to her. Even if you don’t have a formal conversation with her, I suspect there are subtle ways she makes her message known. Listen carefully. Make a list of those things she needs to set out to make the necessary changes.

Fourth, meet your mate at their point of need.

Consider what your mate needs. Some of the things she may be making perfectly clear to you, such as a need for space. Some of her needs may be unspoken, and you’ll need to figure those out for yourself. Perhaps she has a need for respect. Give it to her, even in the midst of being separated. Perhaps she has a need to be valued and treasured. Give it to her, in small but significant ways.

Fifth, become the best version of yourself you can be.

This tragedy is an opportunity for you to remember why your wife fell in love with you. What are the characteristics that made you irresistible twenty years ago? Reflect and resurrect those old qualities. It’s time to again become daring, adventuresome, caring and charming. These qualities won her heart once before; they may do so again.

Sixth, be patient.

Even though you are separated, and fear you will never get a chance to prove you are different, that is not the case. You will have ample opportunities—perhaps in small ways—to show her you are dedicated to change. Letting her know you will wait, and are dedicated to a change process, can be powerfully attracting. Show her, over time, that you are committed to change.

Finally, commit everything to prayer.

Prayer is your pathway to peace. Prayer not only can change her heart, but yours. Then you can feel the peace of God in your heart and life.

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